couldn't take the pace of change

 I started a new job in April. After over a year of trying to live off of my art, I wasn't surviving.

And it's difficult to admit that something didn't work out how I wanted.

Again.

It's honestly so hard not to feel like a failure.

But I also spent the majority of that year grieving and facilitating major undertakings--helping my parents clean out my childhood home where they lived for nearly 40 years. Immediately followed by helping them clean out my grandmother's and aunt's home where they had lived for over half a century.

The year became full of memories and heartache and emotional heaviness.

I created as much as I could. I gave what I had in me.

But mostly I sank. I sank under the weight of physical labor and grief. Of the challenge of a part-time long distance relationship.

I felt like amorphous goo. And I struggled to find my footing again. I'm not sure if you're aware, but goo is not particularly adept at fancy footwork.

Luckily, I had people in my life helping me pull through and cheering me on.

Today, on what has been the hardest day I've had since last year, the lovely humans at my new job rallied around me in a way that people who have known you for a handful of weeks are certainly under no expectation to do. But they did it.

And I don't feel like a failure for finding a wonderful place to work where I'm surrounded by beautiful human beings. That's definitely a win.

Last year, I needed change of pace
Couldn't take the pace of change
Moving hastily
But this year, though I'm far from home
In Trench, I'm not alone
These faces facing me
They know
What I mean
"Leave the City" - Twenty One Pilots